Miffed.
I slept with such a heavy heart last night. I was somewhere in the middle of crying and wanting to punch something.
I know I’ll probably sound needy or what not, but that’s me. It’s how I am and I get emotional easily. So fuck it, I’ll admit I was fucking pissed/more upset now looking at it at you.
Reasons?
Cancelled on me twice. I know it wasn’t like “we are going go to meet at X and Y” but you know what we still had plans. I cancelled on other people to make some things happen. That’s not even the part that upset me, if it was that it would be easy to solve. You would just need to hang out with me more.
That’s not the case, because it’s a personality thing. I’ve noticed this too and I guess I’ve just been meh to it, since I’m like that at times too, but this is just getting ridiculous for me. I’m still bitter so I’ll probably regret this, no honesty is key. I was so upset yesterday I couldn’t even study. I was filled with all of this anger.
Anger that apparently I’m second to a lot of other people. Sometimes I feel like just a convenience to you. When you need somebody, I’m there but otherwise I can be tossed aside. I don’t even know anymore. I’m tired of feeling so hurt and upset all the time. Is this what it means to be your friend? You’ve always been bad at communication. I know so much about you, but you barely know me. You think you do, but you really don’t. I’m not the type of person that says things, you need to just figure it out.
I don’t know what I’m really trying to say anymore. I was just mad at you last night since we said we were going to study together and maybe I was feeling lonely. I always get lonely when I get back to campus after a long break. I hate being alone and I felt so alone yesterday. I couldn’t even make myself function. With all the distractions there are, I just wanted some human interaction. I guess I just wanted to hang out with my best friend and just hang out. I don’t mean breakfast or heading to the gym. Whatever, but like just sitting down and talking.
I think I need to stay away from you for a couple of days. I just need to cool off. I’m passive aggressive, if you do approach me you might get yelled at. If you keep pushing, I might hurt you….
I’m glad I don’t have to really see you today. In class I can just be away from you. This is how I deal with my problems, I run away. I run away and chain them up because the last time I let my emotions fly a chair ended up being thrown. A metal chair, FYI.
I don’t what to do, but I’ve realized that our relationship is mutualitic. Where one side is unaffected but the other side is getting worse and worse. I promised not to run away, but can you just let me go. Please, I’m asking. You’re not the only one who’s going to be hurt. Fuck, I’ll probably be in the most shitty mood for the rest of the semester, but I’m tired of trying of hoping.
Fuck everything. I never say that, but seriously I’m on a slippery slope that’s just getting steeper and steeper.
So I’m fucking sorry, that I was rude on the phone. I’m like a wild dog, I bite when I’m hurt. So yeah I was hurt at how you’ve been treating me so I barked and if you get closer I’m going to fucking bite your head off.
Not a particularly sad post, but thoughts none the less
So at my orthodontic appointment my orthodontist was giving me such a pep talk and for once it sunk in. He basically told me not to count my self short. Making those motivational stars helped me to really think about my reality. I’m always so afraid to go for what I want, that I’m miserable because I’m caught in the middle of fear and want. So now, I resolve to just go for it.
What do you have to lose? You have one life. You have endless opportunities to go for. What do morals give you? They are an outline, they are not meant to rule your life. If so, you’re only stuck in a prison within yourself. This spring break has been enlightening. It’s been a meditation period that’s been long needed.
This is basically what I have decided to do. Fuck the rules. Fuck societal standards. As long as I am healthy and happy that’s all that matters. No regrets. You go do things and if something happens it does. If it does not, well let’s say if you are happy with the results than you are if you are not then do something about it.
Of course, I’m not saying if you hate a bitch you should go out and kill them. There are some decent restrictions, but the way I’ve been restricting myself. Seriously fuck it all. I can type this all out, but can I do it? It’ll be a major change, but life is all about change. I will change. I have to. I’m tired of being trapped in this chasm of sadness and regret, it’s time to let myself see the sunshine.
I exude confidence all the time to others, but it’s fake. It’s time for some real confidence and maybe if people hate me that’s a sign I’m doing something right. You can’t please everyone. I like where I am now, but to what cost? Other people like me, but I don’t like myself. Hell time to get serious and do something about it. No fear. My fear will be shot down for my aim is clear.
“Down the rabbit hole is where it all began. And perhaps not just for Alice.” - DA
(via santanasberry)
